I SURRENDER...only as You help me - for without You I can do nothing

Not afraid to admit or ashamed to admit I've been struggling - we are near the end of all things - Jesus is returning soon - and those who love Him are being "finalized" - prepared to be able to stand, to reflect Him fully. Dying to self hurts. The final moments in the potters kiln are the most intense. After 24 years I'm STILL amazed at how much "self" can still be found remaining. And then I get angry and then sad for letting Him down.

When the going gets rough...the rough get going. NOT - sorry - haha. The Lord is healing my broken-heartedness and now there is this silly giddyness. FREEDOM TO LAUGH - thank You, Lord.

Saturday was such a phenomenal day - after such intense persecution (which NO ONE KNOWS OF) - and not really giving up but really pressed upon the threshing floor - and He says "Worship Me, messenger...." And I sing my heart of love unto Him, pouring my love upon Him. And yet totally in despair in the early morning hours.....

BUT THEN!

He comes softly as He always does and blows His breath of love upon me

And the day is CHANGED! He is everywhere - embracing me, leading me.

He tells me to pull a large stack of books off the main bookshelf - and I go to 'our place' and listen as He tells me even which order to start opening the books and to where within the book - most of them I didn't even know I had, and, oh, were they dusty!

The first book: He opened to a place that said in bold letters "NOT PUNISHMENT". It read, "I have and will continue to guide your efforts for My glory. You are not being punished for past sins".

(Because early one morning a few days ago as I went out around 3 A.M. into the back yard in my nightgown looking for God's handiwork via shooting meteors and saw none...I actually whispered, "Are you mad at me? What have I done? I know I have failed You" and sobbed).

But You are ALWAYS at the forefront of my heart and thoughts, even in moments of despair - and my heart cries CHANGE ME INTO YOUR LIKENESS - CONTINUE TO CRUSH THE "ME" out of "me".

The second book He had me open a) confirmed something He had me minister only a few hours earlier on Facebook (this being yet another book I have not been called to open in YEARS).... and b) it said among other things (this part was for me): "Only when one is willing to die to everything in his life, including his RIGHTS...."

Ah...rights. We have none. And just when you think, "But Lord I know it's not about me - I know it's about You - and I know I have no rights..." He will allow that certain something to happen that makes your insides SCREAM at the indignity of how you are being treated by specific someones who live their lives in sin and lust and sin and flesh - and how they - THEY - are allowed to defecate on your lawn (yes literally) and drive on your grass and on and on (have been tormented by my neighbors for almost two years and He has never allowed me to speak of it) - - - - at my darkest deepest hour of being truly crushed on all sides - by children and family and 'brethren' and situations and tragedies and sorrow and deformity - ALL SIDES - the NEIGHBORS go from horrible to unbelievably horrible and He uses their selfishness and abusiveness as a last straw. "How dare they! They've done...this...that...the other...." puh puh puh - sputter sputter sputter.

And the Lord gently says "I thought you said you knew it wasn't about you - that you have no rights?"

Ahhhhhh.....crush me Lord. I have no rights. I must even be willing to suffer injustice at the hands of the sinful.

Talk about humbling.

And He won't permit me to complain or go to them, even gently.
He says "I will vindicate. YOU walk in My love."

Book three that He had me pull off the shelf - I have never ever seen before - do not even know where it came from. He had me open the book exactly to a page that had the exact words He spoke through me to mom the night before - EXACTLY. And it also had a message for me: "In this world you will have trouble" (John 16:33 NIV).

By book three I'm smiling and feeling all fuzzy and undone - because the Lord used three books I never read, opened them to exact pages (no fanning through, no searching, EXACT) to confirm all that He has spoken through me and all that He is to me - re-affirming yet again for the millionth time (PRAISE YOU LORD - I never get tired of You showing me You in my life) - that He orchestrates/directs my steps 100 percent accurately 100 percent of the time.

I am His.
He's got me.
Oh how I love You Lord.

And yet another book - number 4. Never saw this one before either. IT SAYS:

"We cannot be seated in heavenly places until we go through the cross and are crucified with Him".

Oh, how grateful I am -having been permitted to experience Heaven for so many years now - that He has taught me death to self early on - and that He continues to crush me - even if I sometimes go through kicking and screaming - to that place where it is no longer me - only Him.

Oh - how I love You, my Lord.